What I've Been Up To

I've been working. I've been knitting, and biking, and trying to get The Cupcake to school on time (Kindergarten!), and homeschooling The Biscuit (unschooling actually, which turns out to take more time & effort on my part but scares people), and wiping noses and bottoms, and connecting with hilarious people and grumpy family on Facebook, meeting tons of Bikey Friends on Twitter, and doing dishes, and laundry. Oh, and I've been helping with the accounting side of a wonderful new magazine... which I don't have time to read myself. The guilt I feel when any one of these plates that I have spinning crashes to the floor is overwhelming and leaves me in a depressed place that does no good; the depression is not so huge I can't get moving after a bit of a wallow, but it still leads to more of those spinning plates falling. Here I am, trying now to catch them before they shatter because that’s all I can manage today.

And now you know why I haven't posted.

If I have more time this weekend I will add photos to this. Otherwise you can see some on my Flickr stream.

Why I'm No Longer a Totes/Isotoner Customer

Thanks to Loralee's (@looneytunes) tweet today, I just found out about a wrongful termination case in the state of Ohio. The Supreme Court of Ohio has ruled that breastfeeding is unrelated to pregnancy and, therefore, a woman who was fired for taking breaks to pump milk for her baby was not wrongfully terminated.

You can read the post that Loralee's tweet sent me to at Writes Like She Talks. Enjoy, and don't forget to not give this company any more of your hard-earned dollars.

Hey, my baby's still in that bathwater!

I know that there are far too many c-sections nowadays.  I know that there are moms who schedule a whole package and the tummy tuck is done before the c-section is closed up.  But that doesn't mean that c-sections are never required.  Without one, without the heart monitor that showed he needed one, there would be no Biscuit.  So, as I commented on the post over at Mom's Rising, take a second to mention that you don't think ALL c-sections are unnecessary and that for some mamas and babies they are lifesaving.  Because when I read posts like this what I hear is "Sorry, but c-sections are just money makers for the doctors. Your baby should have died."  I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and admitting that she probably didn't mean that, but the proof is in her future posts. Will those of us who have our children thanks to c-sections get a little nod, a little credit for doing the right thing, instead of just being looked at as poor dupes of the system?

Stupid mommy wars.

I'm quoting my comment here, but it probably makes more sense to go read the post it's a response to over there.

Because I had a fine pregnancy and didn't want invasive prenatal testing, we had no idea that our son had a major heart defect and Down syndrome -- but he did. Our first inkling that something was wrong was what his heart monitor showed when I had a contraction. It is a fact that without that monitor and the c-section it showed he needed (not me, him) he would have been stillborn because his defective heart could not have handled labor and delivery.

Please remember that when you rail against the medical establishment sticking their noses into a natural process like birth you are telling moms like me that our kids should have died. I'm not saying that you think that; I'm saying that when you are silent about the lives saved you are in effect saying that. Please take a moment and a line or two in your future posts to acknowledge that some of us have our precious children *thanks* to baby monitors, c-sections, and very caring doctors.

Believe me when I say that for the most part I agree with what you have written. By making monitoring a standard policy unnecessary c-sections will happen because some doctors are more worried about malpractice than actually doing the best thing for the patient(s) in front of them, as backward as that sounds. All I'm asking is that you not throw the baby out with the bathwater because that's *my* baby and I love him.

My Special Baby Crazy

I commented a little over at Pinwheels about big brothers/little sisters. I'm wondering how many of us Special Needs Mamas still felt the baby bug after having our special-er little one. In the midst of all the worry, concern, grieving for the perfect baby you thought you'd have, maybe even grieving for the birth that you wanted to experience, wondering if the older members of your family will accept and love your new one despite his differences, and the exhaustion is there time for being baby crazy for more children?

I have wanted 3 kids for as long as I have wanted kids. I'm 43 years old and I mean since 2002 (6 years), the year my husband proposed. I figured I wasn't too old to have kids but that we'd have to get moving on it as soon as the giant huge wedding happened. My husband would joke about wanting 5 kids, but I told him I could probably only manage 3 pregnancies in the time I had left so he'd better make 2 of those twins. Somehow, in that banter and joking it got set in my head that we would have 3 to make a family of 5. I just cannot shake that.

So we had The Biscuit right away and I think of him as a celebration of our wedding, though he was a little bit later than a honeymoon baby. We had The Cupcake in a celebration of finally getting to act like a family and take The Biscuit on vacation to my family's cabin in Montana. It was exhilarating, fun, and what we should have been able to do the year before, but the pediatric cardiologist said 4 hours away from the nearest hospital was unacceptable.

On the way home that year we drove home a totally different way than we had ever gone and passed through Logan, Utah. We stayed at a beautiful Hampton Inn, bought some flip-flops for me at a Wal-Mart (I place I only shop at on vacation through no great plan, that's just how it works out), and were excited that the only Starbucks was right across the street and had Grand Opening signs up. Turns out they were opening the next week, so no hot chocolates for us, but we still left Logan with a nice feeling. A feeling that for me has turned into baby #3. NOT THAT I'M PREGNANT. BECAUSE I AM NOT PREGNANT. I just know that somewhere out there Logan is waiting for us and someday Logan will be my third child. I know this with every looney cell in my looney body. I am totally open to the idea that by the time we are ready I'll be too old and Logan will come to our family by adoption. But I completely believe that he (or she) will come.

So, for now, I'm kinda perma-baby crazy. In a very specific way. And The Biscuit's special needs do play a part in it. It's guilt for what The Cupcake may need to do when we are gone. She may have to shoulder the responsibility for caring for him. And if Logan does join our family then she will have someone to share that responsibilty with. Otherwise it's all.on.her.

Duh-duh-duh! [/ominous music] Mommy guilt sucks.

I took the time to sit down and write this out tonight while making dinner (late, again) because The Cupcake came to the gate between their playroom and the kitchen and asked for some milk, by telling me her cup was "T" (empty). As soon as I took it and seemed satisfied with her signing MORE PLEASE she ran off and got her brother's empty cup and brought it to me too. So here we are. She's not even 2 years old and it seems to just be a part of her to help. She has Eldest Daughter syndrome, and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. Lucky Logan.

Nononononono

I just counted and preschool starts in 3 weeks.

I'm petrified.

It has nothing to do with me going on a job interview in the morning. Ack! Look at the time! To bed with me already.

Happy Early Mother's Day to the Congresswoman from Washington State

Here is this year's message and, just because it touched my heart, here is last year's introduction of her son, Cole. He's really grown!

Of to go cry more, because it's so good that this caucus exists and because I wish my son was talking that much.

Glow In The Woods

I've pondered what to write other than, "Go read. Bear witness. Say their children's names. Learn how to be a help instead of making them feel invisible." Really that should be enough. You should go. But instead I've been pondering why it is so important to me. Why do I feel so drawn to this group?

Two things came to me this afternoon:

1. My dad's aunt and uncle, who raised him and his brother, had a son of their own who died of SIDS. As the story goes, one Easter morning they got up and the baby was blue.
2. My mom's mom either had one or two babies before my eldest uncle (depends on who is telling the story). As it is there is an 18-year gap between the oldest and the youngest of my aunts/uncles. If the first baby had lived there would have been 20 years.
   

So the loss that draws me to these women's stories is not just the grieving for the perfect son that I thought we had for 2 days, but there is also a desire to understand these two women that were such a big part of my life.

What are you doing for Mother's Day?

I have decided that for my Mother's Day I would like to join Standing Women. Go check out their story and see if there will be a group standing in a park that you would like to join.

Update: I found the page about the original book this idea is based on. The author also has a blog, but it seems to stop in 2007 and doesn't have any updates about the 2008 event.